Do you suffer from or know of someone who suffers from SAD (seasonal affective disorder)? With all that is going on in the world concerning talks about the economic downturn, falling housing prices and high unemployment rate, it seems that this will be a tough and desperate winter for many families especially single parents who may go through a temporary bout of SAD.
It is one of my holiday wishes this year that those who need help during this time reach out for assistance because I know I am guilty of not being able to ask for help. I am learning to realize that it’s ok to be vulnerable and accept compassion and empathy from others and not let foolish pride stand in the way. For me, it was hard at first to admit that I can’t do it all but once I came to the understanding that asking for help is not a sign of weakness but of strength, then and only then was I able to OWN a true sense of awareness.
Now if only I can get my physical self to align with my inner observation. I am trying to convince myself that I am not feeling SAD right now but that it’s my pregnancy hormones wreaking havoc on me. Plus I have been having episodic insomnia which I am contributing to not being able to find a comfortable sleeping position. With both these factors, it’s a wonder I am not feeling SAD! Hopefully I will feel renewed again once I get a good night’s rest or at least a long extended daytime nap. So tired today…keeping this (rambling) post short and sweet to catch up on some much needed sleep!
Regardless of one’s ethical or religious beliefs, there are several strong opinions out there regarding abortion vs. adoption concerning unplanned and unwanted pregnancies for both parents and single parents alike. Already a single mother myself to a preteen boy, I will admit that I have considered both alternatives when I first found out I was pregnant at the age of 38 with another child since I was expected to go through it alone for a second time.
At first I agonized over the moral decision to terminate my pregnancy but after many waking hours and sleepless nights of thinking it through, I realized I couldn’t go through with this procedure although my ex, CS, and the father of my unborn child expressed he wanted me to. I ended up making the decision that was best for me which by some standards, defied conventional wisdom and practical logic. Despite varying viewpoints from family and friends in support of or to the contrary, I had to make my OWN personal choice. Ultimately I had to live with the path I decided to take.
Adoption was also another possible option I pondered. Since I knew abortion wasn’t right for me, I thought that maybe giving my daughter up for adoption in the hopes she will have a better life growing up with a family who can provide her with more opportunities would be a loving and selfless act. I recognize that not only did I need to make a decision that was right for me, I also needed to make one that was in the best overall interest for my daughter. Again, I reasoned with myself to come up with the correct solution to my dilemma. In doing so, I concluded there is no right answer when it comes to matters of the heart. I may not be able to provide my children with the materialistic wealth that comes from a dual income household but I know I can and will provide them with a warm and caring environment together with unconditional love and devotion. In the end, love is what makes all the difference.
The first Saturday of December and it is cold…an early reminder that holiday season is upon us! With my 12 year old son at his friend’s house yesterday for a sleepover, I was left to my own devices today and chose the warm comforts of home and not leave the house. Bad call!!
Rather than doing anything productive all day, I found myself catching up on sleep (been suffering from insomnia lately coupled with not being able to find a comfortable side sleeping position), watching mind numbing TV, scouring the Internet and overindulging in some pregnancy cravings. Oh and did I mentioned I played the lottery game in my head? For those of you who are not familiar with this pastime, it is a fantasy one creates in imagining becoming an instant millionaire. I am guilty of playing this game from time to time when the local lottery jackpot gets to be over double digits. At first it’s fun to dream up different scenarios to what I would do if I won the lottery but now I think it’s taking on an unhealthy fixation. Luckily the obsession hasn’t translated to wasting too much money on buying lottery tickets other than a dollar or two here and there.
From this, the question is brought to light, can money really buy happiness? Do I fantasize about winning the lottery because it’s a harmless, temporary escape that provides entertainment? Or am I being sucked into believing that money solves all problems? Being a single parent, I know that right now money can indeed help make life easier for me and my child(ren). However, if given the choice between my modest life now and living a decadent lifestyle without my son (soon to add my daughter to this equation), I will have to say that without a doubt I would opt for the former. I can’t even begin to imagine how lonely, empty and sad my life would be without my child(ren). In my opinion, there are just some things in life that money cannot buy. Be honest and OWN your truth. Do you believe that money can buy true happiness?
As a firm believer in the notion that “everything happens for a reason”, I am still trying to figure out why I have been blessed with this beautiful gift, albeit wrapped in so many layers of emotional complexities, at this time in my life. To help me better understand the deeper meaning behind being pregnant at age 38, I have turned to putting my emotions and thoughts into a journal although friends and family kept telling me to blog about my experience to help other moms who also find themselves in the same or similar situation. Only after reading many books and the comfort I gained from them was I able to finally muster up the courage to finally start my own blog. Outside of my own personal pregnancy diary, I should have blogged about my journey early on and it seems somewhat unconventional and backwards to begin at this moment but as the saying goes, it is better late than never. Besides, to date, I have not done anything conventional in my life so why start now. So this is my initial post to my first ever blog…yikes…here goes!
To begin my story, I have to actually go back in time first but I won’t bore you with too many of the particulars (that is, unless you want to know). I was with the father of my 2nd child, a daughter who I am expecting in March, for close to 3 years. Shortly after we broke up, I found out I was pregnant. For those of you familiar with celebrity gossip, think Tom Brady and Bridget Moynahan. I stopped hearing from my ex, who I will refer to as CS, shortly before I was 16 weeks. It was heartbreaking to say the least and since that time, I have had many emotional meltdowns. However, because I am already a mom to a 12 year old boy, I had to limit my setbacks to times when he wasn’t around to witness my pain. Why pull him into my dramatic ordeal right?
Being a parent is very rewarding indeed but as most parents know, especially single parents, it is also quite challenging. Besides I have had the unfortunate or fortunate, however you want to look at it, opportunity for introspection and reassess my value. I had to ask myself two tough, rhetorical questions “who am I” and “what do I want to be when I grow up”. After much self-reflection, I have been able to rediscover myself and regain my inner strength. Yes I am a single mom but I OWN my worth. Today I am 27 weeks pregnant and a week away from entering my third trimester. I crave fig newtons and waffles. Despite my fatigue returning and wanting to nap in the middle of the day, I feel great! Maybe being ditched while pregnant was the best thing to happen to me…it allowed reality to kick my ass!