Do you suffer from or know of someone who suffers from SAD (seasonal affective disorder)? With all that is going on in the world concerning talks about the economic downturn, falling housing prices and high unemployment rate, it seems that this will be a tough and desperate winter for many families especially single parents who may go through a temporary bout of SAD.
It is one of my holiday wishes this year that those who need help during this time reach out for assistance because I know I am guilty of not being able to ask for help. I am learning to realize that it’s ok to be vulnerable and accept compassion and empathy from others and not let foolish pride stand in the way. For me, it was hard at first to admit that I can’t do it all but once I came to the understanding that asking for help is not a sign of weakness but of strength, then and only then was I able to OWN a true sense of awareness.
Now if only I can get my physical self to align with my inner observation. I am trying to convince myself that I am not feeling SAD right now but that it’s my pregnancy hormones wreaking havoc on me. Plus I have been having episodic insomnia which I am contributing to not being able to find a comfortable sleeping position. With both these factors, it’s a wonder I am not feeling SAD! Hopefully I will feel renewed again once I get a good night’s rest or at least a long extended daytime nap. So tired today…keeping this (rambling) post short and sweet to catch up on some much needed sleep!
Today is the first day of my third trimester! Should I start panicking now that the finish line is near? It’s been a very tough several months going through this pregnancy alone all the while being a single mom to my 12 year old son. Thankfully I have friends and family who have helped but there are many days when I struggle with the loneliness and abandonment from my ex “CS”. For the past few days, I have not wanted to talk to anyone and have just been keeping to myself. This has allowed me to be introspective while still trying to makes sense out of everything. I have been going through different waves of emotions ranging anywhere from anxiety, confidence, fear and guilt.
In addition to the emotional roller coaster, I am starting to feel the fatigue from the first trimester return. I need to start exercising to prepare for labor and delivery but have no energy and motivation. It also doesn’t help that the weather has been cold lately. Wait! I need to stop making excuses for myself and OWN up to my responsibilities and just be the best me I can be!!
Regardless of one’s ethical or religious beliefs, there are several strong opinions out there regarding abortion vs. adoption concerning unplanned and unwanted pregnancies for both parents and single parents alike. Already a single mother myself to a preteen boy, I will admit that I have considered both alternatives when I first found out I was pregnant at the age of 38 with another child since I was expected to go through it alone for a second time.
At first I agonized over the moral decision to terminate my pregnancy but after many waking hours and sleepless nights of thinking it through, I realized I couldn’t go through with this procedure although my ex, CS, and the father of my unborn child expressed he wanted me to. I ended up making the decision that was best for me which by some standards, defied conventional wisdom and practical logic. Despite varying viewpoints from family and friends in support of or to the contrary, I had to make my OWN personal choice. Ultimately I had to live with the path I decided to take.
Adoption was also another possible option I pondered. Since I knew abortion wasn’t right for me, I thought that maybe giving my daughter up for adoption in the hopes she will have a better life growing up with a family who can provide her with more opportunities would be a loving and selfless act. I recognize that not only did I need to make a decision that was right for me, I also needed to make one that was in the best overall interest for my daughter. Again, I reasoned with myself to come up with the correct solution to my dilemma. In doing so, I concluded there is no right answer when it comes to matters of the heart. I may not be able to provide my children with the materialistic wealth that comes from a dual income household but I know I can and will provide them with a warm and caring environment together with unconditional love and devotion. In the end, love is what makes all the difference.
For the past few days, I have been in just “one of those moods”. Sounds harmless right…not when pregnancy hormones are taking over my mind, body and soul. Since my son has been pretty much hanging out with his friends all weekend, I have been staying at home acting as if I were a hermit, not taking or returning calls or text messages. It does feel liberating to go offline for a couple of days but it also leaves me alone with my thoughts which is not always a good thing. Although I am taking things day by day going through this pregnancy experience alone, I do have my good days and my bad days.
On days that I am feeling down and out, I need to remind myself of this quote which I recently came across. “It’s not how you start, it’s how you finish. It’s not where you’re from, it’s where you’re at. Everybody gets knocked down, how quick are you going to get up?“. Love it! In repeating this, I will OWN back my strength.